17 Nov Child Independence – To Answer or Not to Answer; That is the Question
On a weekly basis I am asked by parents how they can help their child/preteen/adolescent/young adult to become more independent. After illuminating all of the ways that life has provided our children with ways to avoid pain, digging deep, developing resilience, developing self-reliance, I ask a parent if they can identify some of the ways that may be inadvertently reinforcing their child’s lack of independence. Parents will say that they do all of the laundry, shopping, or make their child’s bed, but they don’t know other ways of aiding in the maturational process of self-reliance other than ‘throwing their child into the deep end’ and hoping that they will be able to make it.
I’m not a fan of teaching someone how to swim by throwing them into the deep end of the pool and hoping they can figure it out. If they sink to the bottom it is going to be an almost certainty they won’t go near the pool ever again. So, I like to help parents take the ‘baby steps’ to a process that can be scary but is absolutely something that needs to be done.
Before you make a list of all of the things you do for your child (don’t do it, you will blow your mind), there is a first step to helping your child know that they are capable, have a good brain, and can figure so many things out that they never thought they could do. I tell parents to take a pause when their child texts or calls them; don’t answer right away – take a beat and give it a bit of time before you come to the rescue with the ‘fix’ the answer, the solution. I can’t tell you how many times I have waited to respond to my daughter, and when I did reach out she was able to tell me that she was “all good” and had figured it out on her own. I will tell you that waiting to respond to my daughter is harder on me than it is on her for sure!
I will also tell you that this will help to create patience, self-reliance, and an increase in self-esteem and pride in the ability to take care of themselves in a way that they did not know they could do. This will domino into all kinds of abilities and self-efficacy that is truly a priceless gift we can give to our children.
